When a person is crazy, nothing he or she does is his or her fault...

I finished reading the book "Choke", which turned out really good despite occasionally being a bit repetitive. I'm already half-way through "Science and Survival"--if I'm not too careful I'll actually pick up reading actual books as a hobby or something...

Life has been extremely busy, confusing, irritating, and overall very stressful lately. As of June 21st I'll finally be fully moved into my new apartment right where I've always wanted to be--in the "artsy" part of uptown, and my favorite bar is in my backyard! I may actual develop an actual social life. My new place is really awesome--it's about 4 or 5 times as big as my current price for more than 100 dollars less a month, plus I get to live with one of my really good friends, Adam. It has a porch, a small front yard, nice neighbors with an adorable kitty, and many other great little details that already make me feel at home. I will miss some things about living alone and my downtown pad, but I think it's time to move on from that isolationist part of my life.

Work has been unbelievably stressful lately, for countless reasons. I'm strongly considering going back to school to never have to work like I am now ever again--it's killing me.

I don't really enjoy the type of weather that Minnesota summers have been bringing the last few years. It's either far too humid and hot or way too chilly.

E3 came and went, and left me fairly excited for the future of gaming. All the newer and more innovative titles don't seem to interest me as much as the tried and true formulaic titles of gaming. I have so many video games to catch up on I have my doubts of ever getting through them all.

I can't believe how much money I've wasted in the last month or two. Being so low on extra income is kinda sucky.

Bile Spewing Intestinal Parasite Brigade Administration!

I'm finding myself far less able to keep my crazy bottled up inside lately, and I'm not sure why. I've cut way down on smoking cigarettes since my recent vacation to South Dakota, and even though its been kinda nice I can't help but feel much more hyper and irritable--yes I know its a common side effect of the whole addiction recovery thing, but I absolutely hate it. I've been feeling a lot less attached to people I was once so, and it makes me sad. I seem to have less and less free time for myself. People I don't like or want to talk to won't leave me alone, and my usual tricks don't seem to work anymore. I stopped myself from drinking lattes at work and even though I feel a lot more sluggish and less focused on work, I'm a lot less pissy, which is good for everyone. I still have one latte (instead of my usual 2 to 4 in an hour) a day every now and again, but its more like once a week rather than a daily habit.

Work has been the same as always--that is, its been constantly changing on a day to day basis. There is so much to be sick of there that I'm finding myself browsing the classifieds just to see if anything sparks my interest. if anything, its helped me desperately try and get back into art yet again--and maybe even someday go back to college. I also keep saying I'll get my driver's license as well, but I have my doubts. And boy oh boy its getting tiresome counting things.Its actually become quite nice outside lately including a few days where it got over 80 degrees, followed by a day or two in the 30's and 40's which is always nice. I have been biking every day as well since the increase in temperature, though I've been really sore as of late--my guess is its from work screwing with my daily duties, but maybe I'm biased. Having recently purchased an Xbox 360 and a small stack of games with the online component I've been pretty distracted from reality for most of each day, which I find pleasing, but with all the nice weather I'm hoping to get outside more this year than I did last.

After all the ridiculous nonsense that left me damn near bat shit insane I believe I'm finally going to be able to move to uptown like I've wanted for almost a year now. Luckily, my old college roommate Adam was in random sudden need of a new place and I have such an open lease and relaxed financial situation I decided I'd get a place with him. I'm pretty excited, but since its almost happened so many times now I'm left fairly unphased.

I also went on a vacation (with one paid day off from work) with a couple of friends to South Dakota for a weekend, which was fun even if I wasn't in the best of moods most of the time. By the time we left I did want to stay longer, and when we returned to work I felt refreshed, like I was somewhere I just forgot about all the things that cause me stress--like I was outside of any thing's reach but my own. I also took a bunch of pictures--especially of the touristy things such as Crazy Horse and Mt. Rushmore.
I've been finding it very difficult this month to not eat like a fat person, but I keep finding myself buying groceries that exceed my average cost without realizing it, or at old country buffet before comprehending how much food I'm about to imbibe. I'm trying to work out enough to compensate--it being beach weather soon and all--but I'm so sore and lazy I'm kind of getting out of shape. Hopefully after my visit to the doctor I can get back into a more "healthy" routine. Oh, and with no health insurance it won't be cheap. It's only money I suppose...

Disorganized and Unusual Thinking and Speech

My job is nearly making me become spiritual, because I can feel my soul being drained each and every week day--sometimes week nights and weekends as well! Its getting more difficult "shutting off" for the days work as nearly everything and everyone of any authority or importance is screwing up and/or changing their minds on important and time-consuming projects and activities, leading me to feel less and less respect for the company as a whole. After actively getting addicted to coffee (it helps me work well and time goes by much faster--and I'm self-destructive) I've felt more easily frustrated and/or irritated at insignificant events. I hope its the coffee, otherwise I'm just losing control of my facade of positivity, and simply quitting said beverage could potentially get rid of the problem. Its just sad when your bosses track you down at your hiding spot solely to complain about how their job and the company that employs them is stupid, irrational, and very nearly unbearable.

My back, legs, and pelvis have been especially screwed up lately, and not having health insurance hasn't made things the least bit easy to deal with. It should be embarrassing to pharmacists when the cheapest way to get a refill on your medicine is to go to Wal-Mart. I'm gonna have to pay for a doctor's visit out of pocket soon, so hopefully something progressive happens in the area of my not feeling like absolute shit all the time.

My bike lock has caused me great distress lately, changing one of its keys into half of its former self and the other key seems to have disappeared to spite me, which seems to be the way of things. After that I attempted to ride my bike home from work (having used it one previous time) and noticed that it was broken. And I mean nearly unridably broken. At least after all the shit my awesome dad found a cheap and really good bike which he dropped off the other day, effectively killing any relationship I was forced to have with such a terrible machine (the old bike).

I finally got myself to purchase a new sketchbook in the hopes that simply by having it I'll eventually use it for its intended purpose. The itch for art has been bugging me (both through human and mental encouragement) and I may actually begin drawing again. Strangely the part that's the saddest is when I think back at all the time I wasted grappling with my own insanity.

Then recently my friend of the past Angela called me up and we've been hanging out on and off, which is cool even if a bit awkward at times. She's deep into interior design classes these days and attempts to have me help out. I think of it as a way to force me back into some form of art creation, or at least I try to ignore the limitless negativity bouncing around in my head. Photoshop ideas nearly make it into digital form, but I keep stopping myself or getting distracted by nonsense.

Having money makes me somewhat careless with it. I bought a damn xbox.

Minus Addition is Nothing

Work gets worse and worse every day, and there's no end to the spiral in sight. I seem to get scolded for things I didn't do, get scolded for things I've been asked to do, and even criticized for how I do something--even if I've never done something of the kind before. And I'm pretty sick of things like having ridiculous amounts of things added to my list of obligations for the sole purpose of avoiding teaching my and everyone's BOSSES how to do said things. I can't help but get frustrated when I'm asked to do things then get criticized for how they're done when the people criticizing don't even know what I'm doing or how to do it. Oh, and walking there is starting to get old, but the one time I rode my brand new bike there it got stuck in the snow, then the lock froze trapping it indefinitely. I hope to get it back in the coming days, even with its absurdly small size. Rant over.

I find that instead of actually accomplishing anything, I always plan on working on things and leave it at that--a thought an nothing more. I have lots of ideas, but absolutely no ambition to make anything from them. Man, I sound kinda like a broken record.
I'm becoming more and more isolated, and every time I get myself to get out and about its never any fun and I end up home far sooner than I originally plan. People just bug the hell out of me, even some of the one's I consider friends. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle to stay sane, and the only thing that seems to work is to be as ignorant of myself as I can, avoiding things I used to focus on, become less of me and more of a mindless drone. I fear the longer I allow this to continue, the more difficult it will be to finally do the things I wanted to do will be, but with the way things are in the world it's a bit hard to get unstuck from where I am--though I'd be happy and stop complaining with some damn affordable health care.

This year is the first year I am getting taxes, and its enough to want to waste it on luxuries like a giant HD monitor and other necessities. I'm also keeping my house a bit cleaner than I used to, which is strange, and making me feel more like an adult than I want. Actually, a lot of things are making me feel that way, and it saddens me. I may finally grow up, even if I don't want to consciously.

I seem to go through external hard-drives a lot faster than when I started collecting them. I'm almost to the point to buy a second PC specifically for storage with a server attached to my main PC. The tease of the last week's unseasonable warmth was kind of a slap in the face with a hand made of cold. I can't wait for 50+ degree weather.

Adios Amigos es no Estas Usted!

I've been feeling really strange lately, especially when it comes to work. Things are constantly changing and getting far worse than I could have imagined, but for some reason when I'm actually there and working none of it seems to matter all that much. Maybe this is part of "growing up", but I go to work every damn day not wanting to and putting in my full ( and sometimes more) 8 hours. Dare I say I'm nearly proud of myself!

But then I start thinking. I have become sort of sad recently, stemming from my self-isolation from the creation of art. I keep imagining up all of these incredible ideas and pictures I'd like to see but nothing ever comes of it. I keep trying to learn more digital manipulation but I can't seem to hold my attention to it like it requires. I've even been literally yelled at to convince me to help with the conceptual art aspect of a potential adult-swim show with humor that's right up my alley and I haven't started anything on it. I need some ambition, STAT.

I went to this fancy-pants party for my work and its umbrella company buddies at the Hilton in Bloomington involving a lot of the respective employees. It was a bit awkward, but after a few of my closer work friends showed up it got more fun, even if I was ridiculously under-dressed. There were prizes and beer and food and it was a fairly enjoyable time. I also "bonded" with our truck driver without trying to.There has been an absurd amount of people desperately attempting to force themselves as close friends of mine, and its beginning to irritate the hell out of me. Seriously--I am an isolationist douchebag! I'm a shut-in who can find fault in nearly anything! I'm a socially-awkward ignoramus who doesn't like to do anything or hang out with anyone! Why on Earth would anyone want to be around that? Let alone all the time? I feel sorry for most of these people leading me to behave in an overly-nice fashion, which causes them to think we are better friends than I want us to be. Man, I'm a dick...

But then people start doing things I'm not normally used to, like thinking about me when I'm not around and proving so by given me random and undeserving gifts that actually mean something to me. Multiple winter hats/facemasks, baseball caps, food, a 32 inch standard TV for free, I simply cannot find words for how weird and happy I feel. Its kinda making me look over my shoulder waiting to get hit by a car or something.

I keep falling asleep far earlier than I intend on, which is a little annoying. I'm finding less and less free time for myself, and when I have some, I'm usually so sore I can't have fun doing much of anything. Obama better give me health care, because his views on unions have finally given me ammo to NOT like him, as the opposing view seems to be the "it" thing these days. Me and my doctor need to catch up.

In the first week of February, I'd have worked at my current job for one whole year. I feel gross.

If most people thought the way I do many of their problems could be easily fixed--mine aren't because I lack ambition...

It has certainly been a while, but mainly because my life has become so mundane I don't feel it necessary to bore any potential internet reader with such details. This blog used to be a place where I could vent, but it turns out the few readers who actually regular this waste of bandwidth take things incredibly personal, which makes it too much work for what this was supposed to be for. I'll try to post more often, but no promises.

I ended up being transferred to the warehouse as a shipping and receiving associate. I was fairly nervous at first having never been in any aspect of the field before, but things transitioned slowly and made it easier for me than I feared. The pay increase was/is of course nice, and most of the people are really cool to work with. Also, many random truckers helped quite a bit as well, even if every now and again they pull a stunt that gets me into trouble. Driving a fork lift was damn terrifying at first, but most of the fear is gone. I still take it slow, but I'm getting the hang of it. Learning a new software program for the specific purpose of secure item handling has been annoying but pretty simple. Its also nice to have no immediate authority figure--though I run to them whenever I can for help...

Its become so unbearably cold lately that I finally broke down and purchased a couple of heaters for the apartment, which end up working better than I could've imagined. It gets nice and toasty in here if it needs to be.

I've mostly been hanging out with Marko, which is usually fun and sometimes gets me out of the house. I just wish the magnetic field that attracts crazy girls somehow gets turned off for the poor guy someday...

Photoshop has been creeping slowly back into my spare time, though its taking a bit more forcing than I'd like. I'm feeling the creative bug, which is a strange thing for me. Hopefully something will come of it.

Christmas came and went even more unnoticed than ever before, though its always interesting how my folks can surprise me with things I wanted but never thought I told them about as well as things I need but am too cheap to buy. I fear New Years will be uneventful.

Isolation from the public builds important character that most people don't have...

Seriously--90% of the reason I dislike people is because they are far too disconnected with themselves to be anything more than a shell of what they could become. All their lives are based on other people's opinions of them, and they talk, behave, and all around act just like each other. Doesn't anyone care about individuality anymore?!?

Without hatred life would be boring.

Work is changing for the worse--I may get raises but no promotions. The new retail store "boss" is an absolute joke of the most awfully corporate proportion. I can't imagine a worse decision for our business than hiring and listening to her half-baked marketing bullshit. Everything I loved about where I worked she is making sure to get rid of, making life that much more poopy. Way to go mankind's unending greed! The worst part is that they pay me so much I wouldn't be able to find a different yet equal job. Maybe I should finally grow up and get a real job...

Living with the sis is a lot easier than I thought, though we're both at the point where we are feeling the need for our own rooms--hopefully that will be enough to get our butts in gear on the whole finding a new apartment thing.

It's finally getting a bit more chilly outside after being brutally hot these last few weeks. I didn't accomplish nearly as much as I wanted to this summer, but I had some fun here and there. My birthday came and went without anything horrible happening, so that's a plus.

I've noticed the more pissed off I am at my job the harder I work, which is strange to me. By the end of the day I feel like murdering a random stranger yet at the same time I'm proud of how hard I worked. Ugh--its like I'm turning into the faceless drone I've always feared...

I believe I can see the future--because I repeat the same routine...

Well after a ridiculously long and arduous journey, my hand is finally 100% healed. In fact, he said that because of the way the bones grew the finger in question is now even stronger than it ever could have been naturally. It still gets sore now and then when doing heavy lifting and such, but I (and others) just right it off as atrophied muscles regaining their strength. I think I've decided on just forgetting about this whole debacle and move on with my life as opposed to the more "universe-correcting" crusade I originally planned against that horrible hospital, which I see as a good thing for my character if anything else. Or a testament to my sloth. You be the judge...

Anytime I think back on it, though, I just get irritated. It was originally fractured at the tail end of April. Its August. Its about damn time.

After getting home from the beach Cart took me to I noticed an annoying bug bite on my left pectoral muscle. I wrote it off and went about my week, but on Friday the bite hadn't reduced in size or color, causing me to flash my chest at various co-workers for advice. All of them said I have Lyme disease. I understandably freaked out a little bit and contacted the folks with their contacts at Mayo. It was a bit off-putting how not interested the doctor seemed to be in my potential medical condition--she just tossed me a 2-week bottle of antibiotics without a blood test or an in-depth look at the bite at all and told me good luck. The bite has since gone away and I haven't felt any symptoms, but I'll always have that in the back of my mind.

July 4th's fireworks lasted maybe 15 minutes total, but the day itself was fun enough, just lounging around with Amber Lee. The weekend of gay pride was also spent with her as well as with some other friends from work and such going to outdoor concerts, parades, and many other zany activities. It was pretty fun.

Work is much more of the same lately, though they're still teaching me random things here and there. I'm glad my hand nonsense is over--it really lessened my hours over the past few weeks. We're getting a new store manager on the 6th, so we'll have to wait and see how that will turn out. I love that I scare Nicki into thinking I could potentially murder. It makes me giggle.

I have been living with (and working with) my sister for nearly a week now and after close, neurotic examination I only seem to see/hear two words in my mind: Ignorant and hypocritical. Granted, most people have both said character flaws to some degree, but she sure loves to push it to the extreme. There is cool in there somewhere, she just needs to focus more on it than everything else.

Now that my hand is two times stronger than it ever could have been naturally I have less of an excuse to post as little as I have been. With all the craziness happening I may have a bit more to post about, but who knows for sure...

I put the "fun" in "dysfunctional".

I'm probably not going to be posting for a bit as I now am sporting yet another cast/splint for my ever-fucked-up hand. I'll leave you all with this to tide you over:Titty cupcake!!!

People always talk too much when they have nothing at all to say...

If the people who considered themselves my friends knew what I was thinking whilst they conversed with me I'd have much fewer friends...

So I finally sucked it up and went to a music concert at First Avenue last Thursday. The headliner was my old-school favorite Mindless Self Indulgence, and was opened by another favorite, The Birthday Massacre. The band that went on before both of them sucked hard, but was easy enough to ignore with the large beer I was consuming. TBM was pretty good, though they didn't play many songs and the lead singer lip-synced far too much for my liking. MSI played almost entirely new stuff--which I'm not as big of fan of--and you can plainly see he (and the band) is getting old. I suppose Jimmy Urine is almost 40 years old now, so I guess it can be understood. I got to hang out with Cater and I's friend Colleen, which was fun. The show didn't do anything to dissuade my hatred for the fans of both the aforementioned bands, though...

After an arduous journey wearing a cast/splint the last month and a half I had my "final" doctor's visit. My hopes were high, and after an absurd amount of waiting the doctor came in for less than 5 minutes telling me that my hand was "fully healed" and I could do whatever I want with it. During the wait before this came to light, I was dinking around on their computer looking at my x-ray, which I thought looked atrocious. I figured out how to save the x-ray as a JPEG and send it to myself and my folks through email. My mother is kind of paranoid and overly-cautious so she sent a copy to her friend who works at Mayo. Talk around town now is that I need hand surgery, the bones are still broken, and I'm gonna need metal pieces and screws implanted in my body. Fun stuff. After this and my last (*shudder) visit, HCMC takes the cake as the worst there is in the medical field--you have been warned.Does that looked "fully healed" to you?

Work is good, and I'm flying right through the ranks towards that manager position. It feels strange and I can get overwhelmed at times, but its all for the best in the long run I'm sure.

On Saturday I decided to travel with Marko to Adam and Brett's new abode for a BBQ. I hadn't seen them in a while, and its always good to see people who generally want you around. We even kicked back ideas for some forays into the art world--though its happened so many times in the past that I'm not holding my breath. I also saw a few other people I hadn't seen in a while, but overall that didn't seem worth my time. Johnathan is kind of a dick these days...

I went to Carter's infamous beach on Sunday, and if you ignore all the fully naked senior citizens its not a bad spot. As with anything Carter-related it was a tad over-hyped, but it was good times nonetheless.

For having completely new and fast parts my PC has turned into one of the worst computers I've ever owned. Obviously the Internet works (which is big) but various other problems crop up far too often to ignore. Also, it doesn't play video games. At all. For $300 of parts that were "better" than the ones you had, you'd think it could easily run a 2 year old game. Oh well, that's just my luck with computers I guess.

I'll try to post more, but I'm finding myself fairly lazy when it comes to PC-related activities.